I have learned through difficulty, through anguish, through failure and strife that the critical voice in my head is not on my side. I spent many years listening to this council, only to find myself spinning amidst familiar patterns, lost in the thick underbrush of my old stories.
Fortunately, about 10 years ago, I woke up. I remember the moment implicitly as one of the most agonizing ever, not long after I quit drinking, the moment I knelt down in a twisted heap and cried "I just can't do this anymore. Please show me another way." This surrender, I believe, was my heart whispering its guidance, my soul nudging me to grow beyond the edges of my familiar grooves. This guidance from my heart shone a light in my darkness. For this I am grateful.
Surrender, though, was just the beginning. Next came the arduous journey of healing and re-building. Once I took the substances away I was left with a knotted mess of feelings, long forgotten slivers in my being, gradually working their way out from beneath my skin, my psyche, the very core of me. Feeling hurt. Living hurt. It was the purging of an old way of being and a re-birth into a life vastly different from the one I had known.
Funny, from where I sit now it seems that I was always an observer to myself, that this heart of mine has guided me from the moment of my conception; it just took me awhile to become aware of its presence, and to trust it. I am still working on the trust piece. I imagine that I will work on this for the rest of my life. To trust that which I know to be true, and to follow the path of my heart's deepest calling. This is my work. This is what I am here to do; to listen, to learn, to love.
This blog is a sharing of what I have learned, and all that I am still learning. Thank you for reading. I am honoured by your presence. Let us remember that we are in this together.
~ Blessings to you.